Stream of consciousness?

I think..

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I just felt like documenting how I feel, and maybe letting my mind wander a bit. I haven’t written in almost two months, so this feels weirdly new again. These past few weeks have been insane. I’ve just been surviving. Final year has been hell. Actual hell. Nobody warned me it would be this hard. I knew it would be stressful, but this is different. It’s not just physical stress. It’s mental, emotional, psychological. It’s taking everything in me not to completely lose my mind.

It’s 9:08 p.m. on Wednesday, the night before my chapter 1–3 defense. I’m exhausted but still grateful for one thing: my panelist is not THAT professor. There’s this adjunct professor that came in during my final year and she’s only here until we graduate. She’s so tough. One of my biggest fears was ending up under her because she is just… a lot. So knowing she’s not my panelist is calming me down a bit.

Printing and corrections have been a nightmare, especially because my supervisor doesn’t accept soft copy. Everything must be printed physically every single time. The corrections almost drove me mad. The fact that I’m still here and halfway sane is honestly a testimony. I’m probably quarter sane, something is still there I think.

I should be practicing my presentation right now but here I am, typing and trying to put my emotions into words. I think I’ll be fine. I don’t know. I don’t even know if I really like my topic. I picked it in a rush. But it’s kind of growing on me now.

Outside academics, how do I feel about final year? Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve been nonchalant socially, but I’ve always been nonchalant socially in this school, so I don’t know why I thought final year would suddenly be different. I’m already mentally checked out from this place. I don’t know what’s waiting for me after school, but I like to believe I’m doing some groundwork for it.

Proof of life¿

Being a human being is hard. Really hard. There’s so much happening mentally alone. I feel like my self-awareness grows every day and sometimes it overwhelms me. I’m learning so many things about myself and still trying to figure out so many others. Do we ever fully figure ourselves out? I doubt it. I’ve only known myself for twenty-one years. We’re still in the talking stage.

Sometimes I wish I was outgoing. I wish I liked going out, hanging out, being outside. I wish I didn’t need so much alone time just to function. Sometimes I feel inadequate when I see people my age excited about outings and events. Sometimes it feels like I’m “wasting my youth.” Maybe I’ll try to force myself to be more outgoing one day, because it definitely doesn’t come naturally.

My exams start next week Monday. Literally a few days from now. They told us two days ago. I’m not prepared at all, and because I hate failure, I already know I’ll push myself too hard. I won’t sleep. After every exam season, I ALWAYS look like a mad person. It’s kind of unavoidable. But at least my effort always shows in my results. Still, I’m not ready for the sleepless nights, the constant migraines, the stress. I’m not ready for any of it. I’m not even ready for the year to end. Why are we rushing?

People love saying “just keep pushing” but pushing is hard. I’ve wondered what would happen if I didn’t push this time and just allowed myself to fail because of how tired I am. Should I try it? I don’t think I can. Maybe if I didn’t set such high standards for myself, failing wouldn’t feel so embarrassing.

I apologize in advance to anyone that will see me in the next two weeks. Stress does not look good on me.

This whole semester I’ve only been eating four things: rice, bread, spaghetti and noodles. Crown me the queen of carbs. That’s literally all I eat. Every single day.

I miss writing to you. I miss all of you. Thank you for still being here and being patient with me.

I’m sleepy and I know I’m not done preparing for my presentation. It’s 10:17 now. I’m so tired. Guys, am I cooked?